The hot air balloons were visible from the hospital room at St. John's where I was born in Albuquerque. I spent many enjoyable birthdays attending different Balloon Fiesta events with friends and family around my special day in October. Until this year, birthdays have been something to celebrate, a reason for cake and ice cream, friend or family gatherings, and a chance to feel the love from those who surround me. Turning 30 gave me a perfect excuse to throw myself a party and I didn't blink twice at the entrance to a new decade (unlike coworkers of mine who had a minor meltdown when faced with this new number).
This year, I turned 36. And instead of the usual adult-type cheer I have felt toward turning another year older, a persistent feeling of melancholy has descended over my head like a little shadow. The sunshine can still penetrate and I have not spiraled into the blues of depression, but I have been surprised by the distaste I feel toward this particular age. I can
see 40! I remember throwing my mom a "surprise" party when she turned the big 4-0. Forty is for people who are grown up and doing grown up things, who have kids and a mortgage and a career. They are middle aged. Old, in some respects. Apparently I am in denial about the fact that I
am one of those people....
I still struggle with having to do the adult things required by a woman of my station - a wife, mother of three, homeowner, friend, less-than-part-time veterinarian. I struggle with letting go of my selfish desire to have more "me" time. I get tired of having to create a shopping list for Winco and be in charge of putting together the majority of our dinners each week (my favorite day is Sunday when my hubs takes over the kitchen and creates a delightful meal). Of having to answer all the children's questions, bandage their boo-boo's - real or imagined - remember to have the piano practiced and homework completed, nag and push to get children ready in the morning and smile through the chaos of bedtime after a long day of mothering. There is a large weight on my shoulders when the alarm goes off in the morning - if I don't get up on time or early enough, no one else is on time and there is a massive amount of crankiness permeating the atmosphere of our home. I feel, recently, like I am treading water in every aspect of life and I hate that feeling of not quite being able to catch up.
What do you do when you grow weary of "adulting?"
I don't have a good answer to that yet, though counting blessings, focusing on others, and serving my family have certainly pushed that little cloud farther from my head.
Despite the blah of my attitude toward my birthday, it was a lovely Sunday. Church went smoothly, I had a cat nap on the couch snuggled between my daughters, Chadwick made a delicious dinner and we ate brownies with ice cream for dessert. My Inbox was full with messages from Facebook friends and the "who-hoo" of text messages kept up a steady stream throughout the day on my phone. The girls made cards and pictures as gifts. And somewhere in his busy schedule, Chadwick was able to purchase a new lens for my camera - the surprise factor was awesome. (Plus he remembered to get me another lens cap for my old lens as I lost the other one in Utah over the summer.)
Monday was spent with my sweet mother-in-law - Zupa's for lunch and Barnes and Noble for a birthday book. Yup, it's a photography kind of birthday for this old girl. Whee!
I may not be loving my adult responsibilities, but I sure do love the people who surround me, the warmth of our house, and the view from my windows. There is a lot for which to be thankful.
