There are so many hats to wear - daughter, sister, wife, mother, friend, veterinarian. And not all hats are created equal. For example, the Mom hat has subcategories such as teacher, chef, wiper, disciplinarian, boo-boo kisser, cleaning lady, story teller, alarm clock, and taxi. My Veterinarian hat has fewer subcategories but carries with it the responsibility of my veterinary Oath and all that implies. Most days, I find myself with most of them on at the same time, perched precariously on top of my head like the leaning tower of Pisa.
I always knew that I wanted to be at home with my children, or at least to be home when they arrived from school. I didn't want latch-key kids. My mom stayed at home, working during the early hours of the morning or while we were at school. I loved knowing that she was there for us, to kick us into gear and send us out the door with a hug in the morning and to greet us with a hug when we came home from school, Yet I never stopped to think of how this would work in real life, in my life.
Chadwick and I spent hours talking about the kind of family we wanted to raise - daycare vs. stay-at-home parent, how many children, what kind of home environment we desired. By the time Morgan was born, I was settled on working part-time as a veterinarian 8-12 hours per week. I remember being pleasantly surprised at how much I enjoyed staying home with our daughter and how those hours in the clinic were a nice change of pace from life at home. After Mallorie was born, I switched to working a few days per month and have continued "relief" work since that time.
Being at home full time is stressful. Balancing at-home responsibilities and working at the clinic is stressful. (Take home message: life can be stressful.) I have struggled, especially these last six-eight months, with the intense desire to quit my job as a veterinarian against the knowledge that working 2-3 days per month could be beneficial to my future career, should I choose or need to pick it up again. Ultimately, it came down to the fact that I took an oath to do no harm. And working minimal hours, while a nice change of scenery, is not enough to keep my skills sharp and my veterinary information present in my head. I worry about missing a diagnosis, about freezing in a moment of need with a patient under anesthesia, of leading a client astray. I worry about who will leave work to pick up a sick child from school, who will care for our young children while I'm gone 10-11 hours, and the milestones I will miss.
Staying at home with our children is the hardest thing I have ever done. And it is the place to which I feel called to remain. Earlier this summer, the battle of "to quit or not to quit" felt like an ever present weight on my shoulders. Nothing, barring sleep, could shake it off. I spent time researching child care facilities and was unable to ignore the visceral pit created in my stomach as I explored this option. I decided to pray and fast to receive help in my decision. The morning of my fast, I felt impressed to pursue other options for my career - once a month vaccine clinics or working one Saturday at the clinic or to be done in general (scary as this sounds). The weight was removed and I felt light again. That impression was confirmed after attending the Temple a few weeks later.
While I have continued to go back and forth in my head, my heart has remained steady that my work needs to be at home with the children, dog, cat, and lambs. When life gets hectic and I'm ready to put the kids on Craigslist, I remind myself that this is the path I have chosen. LDS President Harold B. Lee stated that "the most important work you will ever do will be within the walls of your own home" and I believe that to my core. I need to have faith that good things will come of this work, that my reward will be watching our children grow to be "independent individuals, capable of interdependent relationships" (our family mission statement).
My boss has given me October and November off work to think about it and make sure this is what I want.
I'm looking forward to wearing one less hat on a regular basis. I'm looking forward to the daily challenges, the smiles, giggles, and hugs. Of creating times of work and play, of helping Morgan with homework and Mallorie discover her more confident self. Of chasing Spencer around the house as he thoroughly explores, removes, and relocates any object that isn't bolted to the floor. Of not having to worry about who will pick Morgan up from school, whether or not I forgot something in the diaper bag, and who to call if my primary childcare person is unavailable.
I'm looking forward to the teaching moments, the growth of my own patience and testimony as I nurture our children, and the chance to create memories. It won't be all sunshine and roses, but the rays of light that peek through the piles of dishes and laundry are enough to keep me moving forward.
I am proud of each of the hats on my head. And grateful for a wonderful mother and mother-in-law who set examples of what stay-at-home moms can accomplish.
Bring it on!
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